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Monday
Mar222010

Just like Meth and Sex, Facebook is an addiction.

 

Just like Meth and Sex, Facebook is an addiction. You can easy hide away in your living room shutting yourself off from real interaction with friends and society to be able to be in a dark room online to interact with friends and society. It’s just like the real world but more sad and pathetic. The real question is are you doing it right? Status updates and mobile uploads fill our days, but do you always need the information they supply? Do you really need to see a someone’s baby sleeping or hear about how long the line is at Walmart? Perhaps not. What if you’re the one offering up these boring little tidbits? What if you’re the one clogging up Facebook with asinine comments and making it dumber for the rest of the Intrawebs. How do you know? Easy, here are 10 Signs.

10. Depressing Status Updates
Listen, we all have bad days, no way around them. But keep in mind we really don’t care about yours.  We don’t give a flying fig if your boyfriend is a mindless jerk, or that you just don’t know if you can live this life anymore. Status updates are meant to be funny, clever and filled with completely useless information. Unless we’re going to be seeing a mobile upload of slit wrists or empty pill bottles, we really don’t care.

 

9. Profile Pic Is Your Dog
What part of FACE did you miss on Facebook. Part of finding friends on Facebook is seeing how they’ve changed, good or bad. Discovering an ex-girlfriend has gained 40 pounds since you broke up 5 years ago is information gold. Discovering she owns a pug is crap.

 

8. You’re Begging Your Friends For Cows To Play FarmVille
Listen, if we wanted to play games we’d go down to the local arcade. (Do they even have them anymore?) We’re not here to play games. We’re here to be voyeurs. We don’t want to spend the first five minutes of our Facebook experience ignoring Farm requests. We don’t have trees or livestock to give, ask again and we’ll burn your farm to the ground.

 

7. Unaware Everyone Can Read Your Wall
Think of your wall as a big ass bulletin board for all to see. If you post you’re eating a burrito we know it and get a little hungry ourselves. If you post you’re stuck in traffic we know it and are glad we’re not in our car. If you post that you hope your friend’s doctor visit over their hemorrhoids went well and you might miss your free clinic visit because you slept over at a stranger’s house, well… we know that too. It’s time to learn the different from a private message and the wall. If you can’t figure this out, MySpace still wants you.

 

6. Your Facebook Profile Pic Is Over A Decade Old
It’s hook up time! Late one Thursday night you start chatting with a new friend on Facebook. It’s going well. You have a lot in common, more than you’d think for someone you’ve never met. It’s going really well. It just might be time to meet in person.  You should recognize them from their profile picture right? Sure, if it was 15 years and 80 lbs ago. If only the ‘remove friend’ option worked at a Jamba Juice.

 

5. You Take Your Own “How Well Do I Know Me” Test And Get An 78
Thanks for littering our feed with the constant quizzes you take. No one cares which Disney character or ’70s actor you’re most like. But when we watch you take a quiz about yourself and get a B-, it’s really time to shut down your computer and take a long look in the mirror. When you think you’re done… keep looking. Anything to get you offline.

 

4. You’re A Fan Of Myspace Tom
Sure, there are a lot of moronic things to be a fan of: Bread, Shopping even clouds. If you’re completely amazed by the simple things in life, then that’s your thing. But if you’re THIS simple… you just need to go away.

 

3. You Get A Buzz From Sending Drink Requests
STOP! STOP! STOP! If you us another round of martinis we are sending you to FBAA (you figure it out).

 

2. Hacking Movie Quotes Or Music Lyrics For Your Status Updates
It’s called plagiarism or even better, lack of originality. If we wanted to know you didn’t need any stinking badges then we’d dig through your DVD collection.

 

1. Laughing At Your Own Status Updates
If you put LOL or HA HA in a status update then you’re officially the crappy comedian we hate that laughs at his own jokes. Go away.